We walked into church today on time for a change because of the time change, boy am I glad we did. The children's choir was helping lead worship today. Something about watching the innocent children worshiping with their whole hearts gets my heart (and tear ducts) working every time. One little boy in the front row was dancing his little heart out...he just could not contain his happiness...it was the best way to start a Sunday.
Anyway...our church is doing a 4 week segment called "Why did I get married?" based on Andy Stanley's series "Staying in Love". Now I am an information junkie. I have just about every marriage book, bible study, ect and I have read almost all of them. I am no better of a wife because of them :P Granted...all of them have bits and pieces of information that Aaron and I try to practice often.
We have been married 5 1/2 years already which seems absolutely crazy and I am not quite sure how that time flew so fast. The thing Aaron and I decided before we said i-do was that we were going to make this work...no matter what. That unless it was a seriously unhealthy relationship then divorce was just never going to be an option on the table for us. Of course you have moments when you think "What the heck did I do...why did I get married?"
We have already had ups, downs, and dull moments and they will happen in the future to. Generally we think our marriage is pretty good. We manage to work through major things together as a team. What I have found in the short time we have been married is that its the daily junk that eats at our relationship.
That is exactly what todays sermon was about. I am simply going to share my notes from the sermon and I am by no means taking any credit for this information...I just thought it was such a good perspective change that I HAD to share it.
We all walked down an aisle of some sort weather its was to wait for our bride or we were the bride walking to our groom. Down this aisle we brought expectations... "When we get married we will..."
-Buy a house
-Have kids
-Have images of what our husbands will do (yard work, change diapers, work for pay, buy us flowers)
-Have images of what our wives will do (work or not work for pay, clean, cook like your Mama, pick up your dirty socks)
-Images of our friends together or separate
-How you will spend time with one another (or a lack of time)
-Images of intimacy and how often you would have sex
Once those expectations begin being met or not met...we go into "negotiation" mode. Usually a 50/50 split...
You work outside the home = I work inside the home
You do the outside work = I do the inside work
You say kind things to me = I say kind things to you
In our minds we split things up "equally" 50/50. But once we get in this mode we turn our marriage into a relationship with a contract. "Ill do my part ONLY if you do your part"
We then move into an "You owe me" mentality. For example, "I cooked and fed the children...you owe me...you HAVE to put the kids to bed" "I worked for a paycheck...you HAVE to cook and clean" or whatever your 50/50 situation is. It then makes it literally impossible for your spouse to make you happy...impossible for their 50% to be met because you always feel like your the one doing more.
You are no longer thankful for each other or the things that are being done that you are not seeing because your to busy looking at what YOU did.
When you lose thankfulness you lose intimacy...you go from husband and wife to roommates.
Our next error is we see marriage is a two party deal...that it only effects the "you" and "me" in the relationship. This is so false. Obviously if you have kids, your kids are effected by the happiness and continuation or stopping of your marriage. Your family, friends, coworkers, ect are all impacted.
The next error we make is by writing God out of our marriage. Its not about weather or not you go to church or pray. Its about weather we choose to "do" marriage Gods way or our way.
31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." Ephesians 5:31-32
Marriage is not man/our idea. It was Gods idea...ya know remember those first few chapters of the bible...the whole Adam and Eve thing. Its not our job to figure out how it works (I am SO guilty of this) "Two shall become one flesh" to become "united as one". United in hebrew literally means to glue together and to never come apart.
The verse then says "this mystery is profound" that marriage is a profound mystery. AKA: not easy. Regardless who you are married to...pick anyone in the world....and its still not going to be easy. Changing your spouse is not going to solve the mystery of marriage. It will change the problems maybe...but certainly not the mystery.
13 Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth.You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.[a] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. Malachi 2:13-15
If you got married in a church...with a religious ceremony..with a priest or pastor. You agreed to the "covenant of marriage" a covenant not a contract.
What does a "covenant" mean to marriage?
You commit yourself to your relationship with God first.
You commit yourself to your relationship with your spouse next (not kids/job/ect)
That your relationship will be based on what YOU GIVE...not what you get.
That it will be based on a promise into the future, "till death do us part" not "Until you gain weight, work to much, stop doing laundry, stop buying flowers, ect"
A lot of times people will say "S/he isn't the same person as when I married him/her" Your right...people change. No one can say that their spouse "was" perfect when they got married...they weren't and neither are me or you (then or now).
If your marriage is a contract...its like a cell phone bill. You provide service...I pay. If I am not happy...I leave and start over. But if I switch companies and don't pay...they won't provide service. Its a never ending cycle of contracts and disappointments.
If your marriage based on a covenant...it means loving this person into the future. Even if you give more than you get. No one relationship or person will stay the same forever and that means accepting and loving through all the ups and downs.
Our pastor ended with a marriage statistic..that you know 50% in marriages will end in divorce. What they don't tell you is the other statistic that is tacked on to that. That if out of those 50% of failed marriages would have gotten help or if both parts of the relationship worked at/ wanted it to work..that 75% of those within 5 years would have survived for many more years to come.
So is your marriage based on a contract or a covenant. If its based on a contract are you willing to put in the work (5years or whatever) to get 50 more years of happiness?
Take this all as you want. Aaron and I were shocked at this perspective and never really realized that yes even though we are happy in our marriage...that it was based on a contract. Even if we did not ever intend on leaving the contract...think about all the un necessary "downs" you can avoid by changing your perspective.
Our 1 year wedding annaversary <3 p="">
Patty
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